New Rules For 2008

I don’t want to be accused of plagiarism like a certain presidential candidate so I’ll come right out and say what you’re about to hear is being stolen from the noted comedian and philosopher George Carlin. It’s an update of a comic bit he did a few years ago about the rules that applied to that time…these are now his new rules for 2008. They’ve been edited a bit by necessity.
(New Rules)

* No more gift registries. They used for be just for weddings but now
they’re for babies, new homes…even graduation from rehab. Picking
out stuff you want and having other people buy it for you is not gift
giving…it’s just a version of looting.

* Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There’s a reason
you don’t talk to people for 25 years….because you don’t like them.
Besides I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days…mowing my lawn.

* Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about
your eyebrows. Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.

* I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing “enter”, verifying the amount,
pressing “no” I don’t wash cash back and hitting “enter” again the kid
who’s supposed to be waiting on me is eating my candy bar.

* If you’re going to make movies based on lousy old TV shows then
you need to give everyone in the theatre a remote so we can see what’s
playing on other screens. Remember the reason something was a TV
show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough for a movie.

* When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear “27 months”
when he’s two will do just fine.

* If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage then don’t pierce or tattoo every piece of flesh on your body. If you do then plan your future around saying, “Do you want fries with that?”

· The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the schmuck. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with
one nutri-sweet…..oooh you’re a huge schmuck.